Siberian Adventure - August 2005

Monday, 01 August 2005/Tuesday, 02 August 2005 12:24 AM
Max, Natasha & Kerell have just left! I've made grovelling apologies to Alexei &
shot out to buy sausage for my dinner.

We were down to the last few minutes of Dmitri's visit tonight when Max,
Natasha & Kerell arrived unexpectedly.
I love them to bits & it's good to have them back, but I could've cried. I'm
hot, sticky, famished & planned to watch a relaxing DVD & have an 'early'
night. Oh well, tomorrow night will do.
They came armed with 5 CD's of photos of their holiday that we went through,
plus a tourism CD about Pyatigorsk of which we only watched half. They also
brought me a chopping board of hand painted porcelain, my birthday present
from Kerell.
Pyatigorsk is stunning! Gorgeous panoramas & waterfalls, all over the place.
It's green, clean, & chock full of mineral springs & pools. The water is
safe & free to drink, everywhere. In peak tourist season now, the cost of
their room was 300 roubles (less than NZ$20) per night, so it's bound to be
cheaper in winter. I wonder if I can leave Russia via there & have a wee
holiday?

They had photos of each of them hand feeding squirrels..not merely extending
a nut for a squirrel to snatch, but holding out their hand for the squirrels
to hold with one of their own hands whilst feeding themselves with the
other. My delighted squeaks had Max telling me that if they tried to
withdraw their hands before they were empty the squirrels gripped tighter &
tugged them back. I WANT TO DO THAT TOO!

Earlier today (Monday I mean) Alexander told me the way to calculate your
ideal weight in kg's is to take your height in centimetres & subtract 100
(110 for females). This calculation makes my ideal weight 2 - 6 kg's lighter
than the 'ideal' according to charts I've seen in NZ, & has me probably
around 3kg overweight now. Lousy Russian mayo, cheese, sour cream, &
sausages! Probably the 10+ litres of juice I guzzle each week doesn't help.

Vadim wanted to know if I'd written about this weekend's Siberian Safari
yet. He was still feeling sheepish about me getting up to my armpits in
'men's work'.
I explained where I come from it's expected women will pitch in & help
(unless they're all gussied up for a night on the tiles; at least that's
been my experience anyway.) I've preferred it to be so; at least I'm
relatively practical & able to fend for myself if the need arises. Lacking
loads of blonde hair, gi-normous hooters, & unfeasibly long shapely legs,
not being drop-dead gorgeous, nor being one to 'prissy up' for no good
reason, I've never fancied my chances standing on the side of the road &
having loads of guys stopping to change my tyre for me! It'd just be too
humiliating to have to start changing my own tyre once the sun set! Besides,
I'd miss the party, & that just doesn't bear thinking about!
I asked if I offended them by getting stuck in, & he said, "No, we're just
not used to it, it's unusual." So I then told him I want him to take me for
a drive every weekend & get stuck so I can dig.."It's good for my biceps!"
Cool guy, he echoed my thoughts of Saturday night..."who needs a gym
when...!"

There's another electrical storm to entertain & tease me tonight. I've given
up anticipating decent rain cos 5-minutes is all we get at the mo. Maybe
that's the key..my old mate Murphy & his mind-games. I'll probably wake up
bobbing around the ceiling!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005 proper Poor wee Yvgeny, trapped at the
security desk in a boring dark reception area, with no-one coming & going, &
no-one to talk to!
I was on my way out to buy salad & fruit & found him slumped on his desk
bored to tears. Righto, 1st stop, a bookshop. I have no idea what level the
book is, but the cover had a picture of a soldier, a ship, & a hot babe, so
it must be ok; I grabbed a few pieces of fruit as well, & went straight back
to Planeta to give them to him. He nearly fell off his chair! I also gave
him my lappy so he could listen to some music for the afternoon while I was
out replenishing my fridge & bathroom.
When I returned I showed him how to find the card games; he didn't even know
how to play Solitaire, so I taught him. A waste of an hour because he's more
interested in the music.
He kept thanking me & I kept saying not to worry, so in the end I typed up a
note giving him my name, & telling him I'd given him this stuff today
because I feel sorry for him & because he's nice to me, other people, & the
cat; then translated it into Russian.
He hasn't been able to master my name when I've told him, seeing it in
Russian today he's got it..kind of! 'Prue' is a toughie for the Russian ear
& tongue to come to grips with.
Oh no, NOW I understand! I've just run 'Prue' through ABBYY Lingvo
with no result; dropped the 'e' & it all became clear to me. I'm a dirty
pond, gas, fume, or hangover! Hahahahaha, no wonder everyone struggles to
say my name!
My pen pal, Anatoly from Ufa, had suggested a substitute spelling for 'Pru'
which turns out to be the short form of 'Prunella' (& I thought Prudence was
bad enough!) This option is apparently 'softer', & when running that through
Abbyy mostly it is better..except for the one translation that says I'm
'pus'. Just lovely isn't it!
Alternatively, I could opt for becoming 'Peru', a flag or the country.
'Prudence' with an upper case 'P' isn't too flash either; a lower case 'p'
yields results closer to the English language definition; no wonder Nelly
persists in calling me that!
If my parents were alive, we'd definitely be having 'words'! Gross
negligence on their part allowing my then 7-year-old sister to name me..even
at that tender age she was clearly 'out to get me' before I'd yet arrived!
Henceforth, I shall known either by my unregistered middle name, 'Keddie',
or 'Tuppence' my nickname when little! I'll talk to Alex tomorrow to see
which makes most sense in Russian & is easier, then have him write 'Keddie'
in Russian. I'll compare the two & make my final decision.
Stand by, there'll probably be a new e-mail address soon; xtra's not good
for me either! But, oh the hassle when changing addresses!

So, out shopping. I created a bit of a stir flicking the apples looking for
the crispest. The young market guy thought it was funny, the old market guy
didn't, & a bloke who was another customer was intrigued. When I grabbed a
couple of cucumbers, the customer bloke told me to flick them to check they
were ok; sure enough, one was a dud! "Wow, thank you!!!"
He introduced himself & gave me his business card; Anatoliy Rakovich,
Chairman of the Trade-Union Committee for Surgut Neftegas. "Call me!"
Next stop the pharmacy, to buy a new bottle of Calendula oil, & some eye-drops.
I strutted off, proud of myself for leaving with the stuff I needed without
too much difficulty.
Last stop, the bathroom 'stuff' shop. This was my best place today because I
discovered I really am getting the hang of the Cyrillic alphabet.
No mean feat, I tell you!!!
Scrutinising Russian labels & willing them to 'speak to me', suddenly "dry",
"mask", "mousse", & "water" smacked me in the eye! Abbyy Lingvo, & Socrates
Personal ROCK!

Last week, when I went out for dinner with Olya & Alex, he again 'took the
mickey' out of me for looking through the menu "... you can't even read it!
Why?"
I floored him when I translated an item on the menu into English that he
couldn't.."octopus."
"Yeah, that's it! How did you know that?" he sputtered, eyes bugging.
"It's easy, it started with 'o' & had the right number of letters!"
He cracked up, relayed it to Olya, & she did too.
It was a bit of an 'educated' fluke, but encouraging all the same.

Alex arrived tonight, full of news about his latest round of interviews with
Shell Oil. Half way through he stopped & said, "I heard about your exciting
day on Saturday!" I gave him some extra details so he could rib Vadim in
return.
When Vadim arrived, I showed them Anatoliy's card; they were singularly
unimpressed. My boys are anti-union..they give mixed messages regarding the
communism era (good/bad), they're rabidly anti-socialism, which is weird
because in truth they're both socialists in their outlook. I guess they feel
the 'soft option' is either insidious & the pathway back to 'hell', or slows
their chances of getting ahead; more dangerous than a committed stance
either way.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005 I dropped my lappy with Yvgeny on my
way out to lie in the sun on the flattened grass for the afternoon. When I
retrieved it before he finished work he was sad but thanked me all the same.
I felt like a heel!
He's been a bit naughty with it though; he's gone 'exploring', looking at
files & programmes. My files are useless to him cos he doesn't know any
English, but he's been through my photos. There are no 'compromising' pics
but they're personal & I prefer to give a 'guided tour'.

My tranquil days are over, Vasily's back in town today; already I've had 2
phone calls & 8 text messages from him, & he wants to see me tomorrow
(sigh).

If Alex gets this job with Shell, he must be able to write proficiently in
English so I told him last night he must e-mail me every day so I can
correct him. Today's e-mail opened with "Hi Prudence!"
When he arrived tonight, I asked what he thought he was up to! I told him
about my translation play last night & said I need to change my name. No
help from him! He likes my name & can't imagine calling me anything else.
Hmmmm, does he secretly think I'm a stinky gaseous pus pond?
It doesn't matter, I'd already asked Alexander to translate my two possible
names. Tuppence doesn't work; it translates to "Dva Pencya", & I just can't
see myself responding to that.
Keddie works though; it rolls off the Russian tongue easily, & has no
translation. Of course I realise it's too late to change here in Surgut.
Hopefully it'll work as well in other languages, & I'm prepared if I decide
to take another job in Russia.

Thursday, August 04, 2005 Absolutely nothing worth mentioning
today..a quiet one at Planeta, cleaning, relaxing in the sun, work, &
signing off this message.
P.S No cat pic..I haven't seen her since Friday night (sniff). I hope she's
found a super home!

I'll leave you with this quote (no individual has done it for me, your
combined efforts, each in your own way, has brought me to where I am now.)
Thank You!

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst
into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be
thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

-- Albert Schweitzer

(think “Robin Williams as an armed forces radio announcer”)
Goooooooooooood Morning, Antipodes!

Friday, 5 August 2005 It’s the last week of this trimester.
“Kind of like Thursday morning-tea time; the weekend’s close, but there’s still sooooooo much to do..WORK, lunch at desk while working, WORK late, payday pub night or grocery shopping (depending on your age & family status), FRIDAY ADMIN WORK, pub lunch (I don’t actually have time for this but ‘f**k it, I haven’t taken a lunch break all week), work (“I can’t be a*sed anymore”), Friday 5’s, there’ll be tears before bedtime!, the weekend will be a lucky dip..junk or junket”

I hope you appreciate my analogies; some of them take as much time to write as the rest of the week’s epistle! I’M JOKING!! Jingo’s!

I’m not going to tell you there’s a wedding tonight because, after 6-months worth of e-mails from Siberia, you’ll just be assuming there is one. And, you’d be correct!

I awoke this morning to Tatiana Petrovna standing under my window & yelling my name. I staggered out of bed, wrapped myself in a towel, stumbled to the window, & croaked “Da?” “Ow” or “Oh” are more correct responses..it was EARLY & my brain was still under my pillow!
Then I realised someone was pounding on the door as well, so I tottered in that direction & unlocked it. They just needed to get to Mayster’s suite! Blowed if I know why they felt the need to dredge me out of bed, they have master keys. Into my bed only to find, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I did the logical thing; made a cup of coffee, grabbed my book & promptly passed out!

After 3-weeks of ‘tea & cake’, celebrating birthdays & making farewells, my Elementary Group have decided it’s a Friday Tradition. All very nice, but what’s it going to cost me in future for ACTUAL celebrations? Still, it IS a nice way to (almost) end my working week.

Lessons over & done with, Vadim arrived to take me for a bike ride. I was instructed to bring a jacket because it’s cold in the forest. I found it very hard to believe.
He & Sergei were on roller blades; we covered 10km’s & rehydrated with a massive can of Russian beer each at the end.
On the way home Vadim suggested we stop at a bar for ‘one more beer’. Budweiser!
I thought ‘Bud’ was an American beer, but apparently it’s Czech beer!
ANYWAY, shatter me I was cold! Like, REALLY cold! Uncontrollable shivering, teeth chattering, numb fingers, the works. Even my NZ lighter said “feck orf” & refused to work! Or, maybe it’s just that my thumbs were too frozen to spin the flint.
And, we stayed for 2 beers..if I’d known, the 2nd one was on the cards I’d’ve suggested a stiff vodka for the 2nd drink in order to thaw out! Usually I HATE those air dryers for your hands in pub toilets; tonight I love them..”oooooooh, that’s so warm..NO, don’t stop!” Bat, bat, “Ahhhhhhh!”
I’ve learned some new ‘stuff’ about Russia tonight, & had my insight into the male psyche further confirmed.
In Russia, the legal age for sex, marriage & a driver’s license are the same..18. The legal age for drinking alcohol is 21. The standing joke is “Guys, get married at 18, & start drinking!”
Depressing isn't it.
The male psyche? The first 5 years with a woman are exciting & generally ‘cheat free’. Get married & the ‘magic’ disappears..no secrets, familiarity breeds contempt, boredom creeps in, & ‘the thrill of the chase’ or the lure of ‘fresh meat’ is too hard to resist. I’m not ‘man-bagging’; 99.9% of the men I’ve talked to over the last 3-years have told me this.
Ok, I get it, I get it! The heady days of fresh lust & new ‘love’ are great.
But, can anyone logically explain to me why men, whilst straying, are so territorial about the very women they’re straying from?
So, how come I love cats?
EPIPHANY: Cats/men..one and the same!
Bollocks “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”
More like “Men are Feline, Women are Canine”

Text from Ben sometime after 3am..he’s going to call me on Sunday. Waahoooo! Joyful tears! No more sleep until sometime after 6am.

Saturday, August 06, 2005 I did the ‘unforgivable’! I’d been instructed by Nelly to be ready for collection by 11am for “dacha, BBQ, shaslik, banya, slyokum parum, vodka, vwa!” I slept through my 9am alarm, & like yesterday, awoke to my name shrieked out, & the door being battered down.
“Nelly, I can’t come; Ben’s calling me tomorrow afternoon!” Excited tears.
“We’ll have you back in time Prudence; get packed now!”
Text messages later in the day from Vadim & Alex. Vadim wants to know if I have “ill feet’s” (stiff legs) from last night’s exercise [VADIM! I’M AN ATHLETE!] Alex wants to take me to have my hair done tomorrow; bummer, I can’t go, more important & exciting things for me to do!
I’ve gotta say, this was my best banya experience! Nelly’s come to terms with my modesty & has a special sheet, just for me. I had a sore throat (no doubt from being sooooo cold last night) so I lapped up the heat & aroma’s from the venik (leafy flagellation branches).
Victor was disappointed in my non-performance with vodka during the day, & played emotional/tradition trump cards in the end. “Alright, just one! Choot-choot (very little) though Timofietch! … slyokum parum, vwa!”
I’d love to report loads of stacked zzzzz’s, but in spite of being thoroughly shattered, all I could think about was talking to you tomorrow Ben! Sleepless until around 8am.

Sunday, August 07, 2005 I have the fattest, ‘Kermit the Frogiest eyes on earth!
So, back at Planeta & I’m ‘antsy’.
That’s not true; I’ve been “a cat on a hot tin roof” since I got out of bed!
I typed & translated “Valentina, my son is phoning from NZ at 3pm. I’ll be waiting here for his call”, took my lappy for her to read, and told her what she should expect to hear.
Then spent the next 90-minutes pacing & mopping leaky eyes..”PLEASE, don’t let me cry on the phone!”
Armed with a new roll of loo paper, I was “All good!” Well behaved throughout the call, when it finally came through! My best hour since February!
Dmitri cancelled his lesson, & I cancelled Max & Natasha.
As I expected, Nelly’s been dialing my number non-stop. I know she wants news of Ben & NZ; & to know I’m ok. I appreciate her interest & concern, but it’s not how I ‘tick’. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now; I need to be alone. Tomorrow I’ll be able to talk enthusiastically about news from home.

New contact number: 00 7 346 232 6799 That’s it, don’t worry about any other codes apparently! The ring tone is similar to the NZ ‘engaged’ signal, but a single tone rather than the double.

I have an e-mail from the woman from Manchester who’s coming to teach at Lingva Centre in September. Her name’s Jenny (not to be confused with Juneen who will replace me here in January.)
Jenny wants to know what clothes she should bring..& she’s asking a Kiwi?! What to say? I dunno! What’s the climate like where she’s from? I don’t recall seeing snow on ‘Coronation Street’!
I recommended she practice her ‘windmill impersonation’, warned her about the lack of oxygen, & told her to pack beanies, scarves, fur-lined boots, multiple layers of gloves & mittens, & lots & lots & lots of hankies! I haven’t been here September – December, so I can only tell her about February - May.

That’s me for tonight..’blues avoidance’ by writing isn’t working. I’m off to watch ‘Minority Report’. Catch you tomorrow.

Monday, August 08, 2005 I’m back on top, but have no news for you. I watched “Closer” & “Vanilla Sky” tonight. Vanilla Sky was a real twist. Is it Clive Owen who plays Julia Roberts’ husband? Yummo! I want one of those!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 Flip it’s COLD! Yesterday was +26C & I was wearing a strappy top. Today it’s +9C & I’m wearing a polar fleece! Brrrrrrr!

I’m NOT happy! Gone are the days when I could leave my glasses on the table & still read. Sleeping with specs on is not so comfortable!

Another e-mail from Jenny today. She’s bringing her son to Surgut; he’s “of mixed race & feels the cold”. Wa-oh, I think on both counts. AND, she’s a vegetarian. It could be a challenging 10-weeks ahead for her.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 It’ll be Friday/Saturday/Monday by the time you get this message, but would you ALL please fill a glass with wine (for my gorgeous niece Toni) or Jim Beam/Jack Daniels [sorry Marcus, those bourbons confuse me!], hell with it, go for tequila! (for my equally gorgeous nephew-in-law Mark) … (2nd only to Ben) they have moved into their own home today! Congrats! Love You, bless you & your home!

BRRRRRRRRR! It’s even colder today, woolly jersey & polar fleece required outside.

Albina dropped in before I’d emerged from my bed & left a gift for me with Yvgeny. When I did surface, Yvgeny unwrapped it for me (I’ve yet to see a recipient unwrap a gift themselves) & instructed me in the use of this gift. Two little pots, one filled with pinenuts; he had to show me how to get to these wee treasures.
More MAF $$$$! I can’t leave them behind!

Alex was told today that he’s missed out on the job with Shell. He tried to put on a brave face but his eyes welled up when he told me. Poor little man! He didn’t want to talk about it, then proceeded to do so anyway. He’d cheered up by the time he had to leave, & I gave him a hug.
On the way out, his eyes nearly fell out of his head; tonight’s security guy had his gun out & was cleaning it. I wasn’t too thrilled with this open flaunting of arms, but Alex tried to be positive & said I’m safe in this building. On the contrary, I worry about being guarded by someone so insecure he feels the need prove he’s ‘armed & dangerous’. I much prefer the guys who’re content with the almost imperceptible bulge under their shirts. From Alex’s reaction, I’m sure he thinks the same, but felt the need to set my mind at ease, bless him. As much as I’ve become accustomed to the fact that there are very few unarmed men here, nothing can reassure me about blokes like this one!

Thursday, August 11, 2005 So off to the market to get fresh ‘blah, blah, blah’ for my fridge, & … have I ever told you about the supervisor chicky at my ‘nearest & dearest ($$$$$$$$$$) market? She bailed me up against the racks, probably back in May, chattering & pointing at the top of my jeans. I looked down & found my lizard’s tail poking out. I grinned at her & hooked my pants down to show her ‘my boy’ in all his green finery. She was aghast (sorry, I’ve just had a giggle at the memory) & twittered & skittered away.
ANYWAY, today she had me up against the racks again (lots of Russian & ”when do you go home?” … “where are you from?”..wide eyes, big ‘O’ mouth.. NZ was insufficient info..”WHERE?” Auckland brought knowledgeable nods from my captor & her immediate support crew. As I made my way down to the checkout I could hear “Ongleski?..Da! Ongleskanka? Nyet, Novae Zeelandia! Oi!” So the security blokes have now been filled in on the ‘stranger’. Hopefully this heralds the end of my being closely tailed in this shop. Did I say ‘tailed’? More like ‘one in my back pocket..don’t u-turn..bump!; one to my left and/or right, depending on which aisle I’m in (& often sidled past as I cruise the aisles), & ‘hello big guy, may I get past?’ right in front of me; at least two eyeing my purchases & packing skills at the checkout.

End of lesson with my ‘Elementary’s’ tonight, & they brought up ‘Friday Tea’ again. Hoorah! I’ve got the tea, Marina’s got the blackberry leaves to add to it (yes, it IS a good thing), & Irina & Sergei are bringing the nibbles. Marina’s chosen the topic for tomorrow’s discussion..”your favourite restaurant in Surgut”. Noooooooooooooooo, we’ve done food to death! I want to hear more ‘Russian Tradition’, but they’re saying “Noooooooooooooooo, we’ve done that to death!” Fair call. I’m going to spend my weekend searching for inspiration.

Alex was back to his chirpy self & the hour flew.

Vadim’s on fire..he has one sleep to go before he hits the road to see his son! I gave him a wee ‘road-trip-package’..3 cartons of juice, scrogum, & a fresh fruit basket. Tradition demands ‘cake & stuff’ before a road-trip & holiday, for good luck. I hope my offering will keep Vadim awake, refreshed, & safe! SHOOT! I meant to buy him a couple of cans of beer for roadside bedtime!
Do we do this kind of thing in NZ? Not in my experience. If we don’t, we should start!
He brought a programme that takes your name, date of birth, height & weight, then calculates your body fat. It told me stuff like how much of my body is water, how much weight I need to gain, how many square metres my skin covers, & how much oxygen I’ll use if I’m enclosed in a small area..in a calm state & an agitated state, & therefore my life expectancy (my existence is enriched by this information). It calculated my intelligence, intellectual & emotional, & it offered behavioural advice based on my current emotional state (wow, how does it know this?)! It must be true, it’s a computer programme (snort!) Apparently I’m an emotional mine-field & mustn’t embark on new romantic relationships for now. (gasp) OH NO! HOW DID IT KNOW? IT IS TRUE! EEEEEK, BIG BROTHER! GET AWAY FROM ME! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH..Hahahahahaha! (nervous, slightly hysterical laughter.)
Vadim thought my weight was a great joke; “Prue, do you have trouble in the wind? You need to save all your coins & put them in your pockets so you won’t get blown away!” Cheeky sod!
A hint for you Kiwi & Oz guys though; Vadim drops a coin into the end of his tie so it doesn’t flap. Smart boy!

End of this trimester, I wish those of you who will be traveling between today & my next missive “good luck, & travel safe!” No different from any other day really, but …
… See you next week, unless I’m in a Siberian straight-jacket!
MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! A big smacking kiss to you all!

not too well … poison … vodka … “little bad head”

Friday, 12 August 2005 Can you believe it? I’m 2/3 of the way through my “Siberian Adventure”!
Towards the end of April, I was struggling. December felt like a lifetime away, & I decided to split the ‘Adventure’ into trimesters so the ‘end’ didn’t seem so distant.
The ruse worked. Though there were occasional tough times during the 2nd Trimester, it was easy to tick off the weeks.
Today, I want to go backwards!
It’s time to start planning my departure; purging the indulgent ‘tat’ that’s made this cell ‘Prue’s home’, researching & arranging shipment of ‘my treasures’ back to NZ. There’ll be seemingly endless trial ‘packs’ searching for the heaviest combination of clothing to wear that also has pockets numerous & large enough to lighten my excess baggage charge!
Dreaded most, I must think about saying ‘goodbye’ to these wonderful people, how & when to do it. No, I can’t..I’m having a wee sniff just thinking about it!

I’m sure during the next 13 weeks there’ll be moments when I’ll ache to be shot of the place. I think my danger weeks will be those where the weather prevents me from leaving the confines of Planeta (déjà vu ‘pedestrian wind-mills’, unpredictable hourly temperature extremes, & towards the end, at -40C & with minor air movement, “long-term-life-expectancy” changes to “temporary citizen”.) Time will fly & drag all at once.

Congratulations are in order! I’ve finished reading Alan Carr’s “Easy Way to Stop Smoking” book & honestly, I’m shielded by magic. I must be, I’m still smoking! It did nothing other than kick-start the argumentative part of my brain & I started noting his inconsistencies. I’ll read it again though with a more positive mindset. I’ve got to kick this habit!
Defiantly determined, I’ve just gone & bought … a pocket bluelight torch. Why? A nifty little number, it’s a lighter at the non-business end!

Always on a Friday, when there’s a wedding on, I ask security to disable the classroom alarm before I go to it so the wedding video doesn’t have the dulcet tones of a siren in the background. No difference today, but as I was zipping towards the stairs Yvgeny called me back … “Prue, …’stuff’ … rabota zaftra (forearms crossed gesture )… ‘stuff’, … balshoye spacebo Prue (fist on heart gesture ), dosvedanye!”
Bloody hell, he’s leaving! I can’t say I’m surprised; it’s a crap job & the pay sucks. I’m going to miss him, but I’m glad he’s moving on for his sake. I took a couple of photos of him & his little girlfriend Vyka; I’ll get them printed & have them passed on to Yvgeny. He’s the first guard to tell me he’s leaving, usually they just disappear. I’d like to have photos of them all because they’re a part of my everyday life.

Alexander cracked me up tonight. I asked him what he looked for in a woman. Usually he’s quite shy, gentlemanly, & reserved when it comes to personal ‘stuff’, however this direct & unexpected question produced a reflexive “LONG LEGS!” He blushed & went all coy. “Also, she should be 13cm shorter than me!” (Wow, that’s specific! Do you keep a tape measure in your pocket?)
He gave me the first of a series of “The Xenophobe’s Guide to…” articles. This one is “…the Russians”. It’s written by Elizabeth Roberts, in case you’re interested. Most of it is “oh no, that’s sooooooo true!” It’s a very amusing read. It quotes numerous examples of good things screwed up & screw-ups turned good. To quote my quiet Oz buddy, Andy Paterson “"I always called it in my mind the "in theory" country - they have all the right ideas and plans, but something always seems to get in the way and make an "in theory" thing either not work properly or not work at all”.
I particularly like this piece of the article … “A retired German general maintained angrily: “We were defeated by Russian inefficiency! We had the best intelligence service available to any army at the time. I would even say that such quality was wasted on the Russians who talked on their radio telephones without any effort at disguising their intentions, without codes. We knew in advance that they would attack near Minsk with three divisions & air support. We knew the date, even the hour. And we were ready for them! But owing to Russian inefficiency those divisions never reached Minsk. Their trains ran out of fuel, & the local commander told them that he had no food for them & the best thing they could do was to attack the Germans & attempt to capture some supplies. As a consequence they attacked 200km away from where we were expecting them & by the time we reacted, it was too late.” Bless! ;oD

Saturday, August 13, 2005 I’m going to Nefteogansk & clubbing with Alex, Olya, & Lyuba tonight, to celebrate Lyuba’s birthday. I don’t want to go, there’s no wedding here tonight & I’d much prefer a quiet night in. The truth is I’m just nervous about my dancing skills, afraid of being a nuisance, terrified of getting drunk & making a fool of myself. We’re not going to be back in Surgut until after 4am tomorrow, Nefteogansk is an hour away from Surgut, so there’s no chance of catching a cab or quietly slipping home. HARDEN UP JARVIS!

Sunday, August 14, 2005 Well, it was a fantastic night, & I needn’t have worried about anything! Well, yeah, I did get drunk, but no more than anyone else, & I didn’t make a fool of myself. Whew!
Our ‘team’ comprised of Alex, Olya, Lyuba, Sveta (our hairdresser), Ivan, Delya, Alek, & Shuba (diminutive of Alexandra). We didn’t leave Nefteogansk until after 6am, went straight to Olya’s where I promptly went to sleep (I think; things are a little hazy from about 4am & after 4 bottles of vodka). Alex, Sveta, & Shuba sat & drank a final bottle of vodka, finishing up at 8am; CRIMINY! Hangovers all round today, including one for me!
The nightclub was gorgeous & huge! Two girls & a guy dancing on stage most of the night, only taking breaks for a male stripper, about 9 female strippers, an all-but-naked cancan, & a couple of other saucy performances. Throughout the night, there was awesome laser lighting.
I earned rounds of applause for shooting vodka like a pro, for telling Alex, in Russian, I don’t understand gambling when he was trying to explain it to me, & for letting out a ‘farm whistle’ at the end of one of the earlier performances. After that whistle, it became my ‘job’ for the rest of the night, along with teaching them all how to do it (good students!) Being able to shoot vodka without hesitation or grimacing was my downfall of course. Having eight pairs of Russian eyes closely watching my first drink ensured my inclusion for EVERY round thereafter. Anyone else in our ‘team’, absent for a round, wasn’t waited for. I, on the other hand was either waited for, or collected from wherever I’d thoughtlessly roamed to. “Please no” & “ok, choot choot” were not acceptable responses. Is it any wonder I was squiffy by the end of the night? Further to my defense, there are endless proverbs warning Russians against someone who refuses to get paralytic with them, such a person is not to be trusted apparently.
At least now I know what brand of vodka to buy; & I must be the most trustworthy Kiwi in Russia!
When we first arrived, we were given casino chips, so at the end we went to play. I remember a woman at the Black Jack table almost giving herself whiplash when I spoke, being very excited about me, & proclaiming me her ‘lucky charm’, & we had a bit of a problem getting her to let go of me when we wanted to leave. It required Alex, Olya, AND Sveta to peel her fingers off my arms! Hahahahahaha! We won 1,500 roubles, the taxi fare back to Surgut. Nice one!
Actually, I remember now, I went to sleep on the way back to Surgut & was offered a bed when we got to Olya’s. Thank goodness, because I was brainless by then & wouldn’t have had the sense not to drink anymore..in which case I most definitely would’ve been sick! It’s a very long time since I’ve been that drunk, small consolation that I wasn’t ‘talking braille’ & didn’t have ‘the staggers’! I must be ‘growing up’ finally; whilst I always suffered mortification remembering ‘the night before’ it never stopped me from repeating the performance. These days, except for last night, I pace myself & have a much better time.
Alex must’ve still been off his chops when I emerged from my room, because he told me it was 6pm (NO WAY!). I didn’t think to check his watch myself, but now I’m positive it wasn’t that late cos Olya cooked up bliny & prepared a fabulous fruit bowl whilst Alex & I went through her DVD collection (hers rivals yours in size, Mark & Toni). I’ve been returned home with about 20 films to watch. We ate bliny dipped in condensed milk (another heart attack in the making!), talked, watched ‘Duplex’ (very funny), & called it quits.
I’m so looking forward to my shower!

Back at Planeta, there was a text message waiting from Vadim, letting me know he’d arrived safely to his son, thanking me for the fruit etc., & asking how I am. I replied that I’m not too well today because Alex & his friends tried to poison me with vodka all night & I have a “little bad head.” He thought that was very funny & prescribed ‘a little repair for your head with the help of beer’.
On that note, I must away to my bed.

Monday, August 15, 2005 I’ve spent the day trying to apply for jobs, but the internet connection was hopeless & very frustrating! There aren’t too many jobs available in Europe starting after September, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be heading to China. The up-side is I can take a 5-month contract with the option to renew if I want. If I don’t, then that contract will end in time for me to head back to Europe for an August or September start. Quite handy really! The overall package in China is WAAAAAAY better than most European packages (as I always knew). Aside from accommodation that includes a private kitchen & bathroom (ooh, I’m twitching at the thought of both!), free internet access & a computer supplied, they have an orientation week where you’re helped through culture-shock, learn how to deal with Chinese students & about classroom etiquette. There must be a sinister reason behind this. You’re also given weekly Chinese language lessons, & coaching from experienced teachers. They even give you a teacher aide for the first couple of weeks, AND there’re books, photocopiers & printers freely available, DECADENCE!!!
I need a ‘frock’ & girly shoes for special occasions; otherwise, jeans are fine. Hoooraaaaaaaaah!
I should have a fresh medical report confirming I don’t have Hep A or B, or HIV/AIDS (you’ve gotta be joking, I’m the great ‘untouched’!) in order to obtain a temporary visa, however if it’s not possible from here I can just rock into China, be issued with a visa & have my med check there.
This all sounds too good to be true! Stand by for the SOS call from Auckland airport when I get deported!

I nipped out to buy a new phone card & the rules have changed on me. I now have to pay 520 roubles for a 500 rouble credit, & the vending machine will only accept the correct change. The male half of a couple behind me started growling at me until I said I didn’t understand Russian. 2 pairs of soft eyes, they made change for me, bought me my card, & responded to my Russian thanks in English. I even thought he said “Haere Ra” at the end, but that would just be ridiculous!

New guard today, Alexei Gregorievitch.

I’m kind of on holiday all over again. Vadim’s away until early September; Alex flies to Singapore then Bali tomorrow & won’t be back until early September; Max is off to play music in Cannes for a few weeks; Natasha & Kerell have gone back to the Black Sea. That frees up 11-hours per week, & I’m hoping to start getting to bed before midnight. Oh what bliss! Damned shame about the reduced income though.
That said, Nelly returns to work next week, so she’ll be in my pocket most days as there won’t be any students until the end of September to deflect her. There goes 25-hours per week!

I’ve returned to my room for the evening, all set to cook up some pelmeny, to find all my cutlery & crockery have been knicked! How the hell am I supposed to feed myself without them, & with the café closed? Grrrrrr! 5-minute pasta, ‘just add water’ for dinner; thank goodness I have a fork stashed in the fridge. Why? Blowed if I know, but I’m glad it’s there!
I’ll progressively pilfer eating accessories from the kitchen (I’m quite good at it, maybe I’ve a future as a petty thief!)
In future, I’ll keep all pilfered cutlery & crockery in the freezer, next to my USD & important documents.

Loo stop & “oh for pee-te’s sake” there’s no cold water! I’m a Kiwi girl thank goodness, loo flushed with jugs of water from the hot tap. I hope that supply lasts until morning when I can get someone to help.

Is there any way I can have the perks of China with the people from Russia combined?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 My ‘kids’ told me all about child birth & maternity hospitals tonight. Erk! No wonder most only have one child! Just the one loo for all, no husbands present at the birth, & no visitors for the one-week-minimum duration of the mother’s incarceration (gotta keep those killer germs out!), unless they’re willing to pay an exorbitant amount for the privilege..all but the rich & famous say “thanks but no thanks; xx, see you in a week honey, good luck!” No doubt followed quickly by phone calls to ‘the boys’, “Party time, I’m free for a week or so!”

Only the one lesson today & I was finished work by 7:15pm. I tootled down the road to get dinner & breaky supplies. How cool, shopping AFTER work! I got back to my room & was struck with “what the hell am I going to do with all this extra time?” Ha ha, I have 20 DVD’s to watch! ‘High Crimes’ & ‘Artificial Intelligence’ tonight. Artificial Intelligence was a bit strange, then really sad at the end. I’m not a great fan of Jude Law, but I thought he was really good in this film.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005 I’m in serious need of some gritty intellectual or philosophical conversation. I learn lots from all of my students, they’re mostly very intelligent & well educated people, but they want every lesson to be an information-seeking or -giving session. I’m in the mood for a healthy opinionated but friendly discussion. My efforts are usually met with blank looks or closed faces. Or their level of English just isn’t up to it. Coming from such vastly different worlds, it’s difficult to find a topic that’s not threatening and yet debatable, one which they won’t be afraid of offending me & vice-versa. And I don’t want to cause a bun-fight. Sigh!

Thursday, August 18, 2005 You know how I wrote on Friday that there’ll be times when I’ll ache to be shot of this place? 15 text messages, 2 e-mails, & a phone call from Vasily today kick-started my preparations to leave. That he’s gone ahead and arranged that timetable for the next 3-months which will have me working 7-days a week, plus prevent me from seeing Alex & Vadim didn’t go down too well. If he just once encroaches on my personal time, or fires another barb about my lack of Russian language skills, I swear I’ll gut ‘The Gut’!

I have a wee problem with the new security guy, Alexei. Monday: “Hello!” Tuesday: warm “Oh-ho, HELLO!” Wednesday: “HELLO pretty woman! (“priyatnava zhenshena” – Hey! What happened to ‘deyushka’?) Gee you’re nice! Hey everybody, isn’t she nice?!” Today: amorous (hmmm, I want a bit of you) “I love you, let’s be a couple & have babies, oxoxo”
This morning he told me he’s single, & would like to take me out on Sunday. “Sorry, fella, gotta work.”
This afternoon he added that he’s an ex-officer of the secret police (formerly KGB), so not a ‘dumb loser security guy’, & I believe him; he’s very different from the other security guys. He wanted to make it very clear to me that he ‘loves’ me & is serious (one ‘special’ Russian word that covers ‘make it clear’ & ‘serious’ & enlarges upon the ‘I love you’ statement. The invitation to become a couple basically! All confirmed by a student who translated, to ensure my understanding.) Then he grabbed me & kissed my cheek.
Wow, not bad going for four afternoons & one morning (sum total of maybe 90-minutes) of pathetic, stumbling communication! I’m a goddess! Hahahahahaha!! More likely he’s addled from the vodka still oozing from my pores after the nightclub!
At least this man’s the right age, single, & neither a drunk, nor a needle user. Things are looking up. Now all I have to do is attract a man that’s all that, PLUS “English speaker” & we might both get ‘lucky’!

With the advent of cooler weather, my halcyon days of exclusive bathroom rights are over. This weekend’s wedding has brought me a ‘neighbour’ already. Hard to tell whether it’s a woman or a man, either way it’s shown the same talent as previous neighbours..it can pee on the back of the toilet seat, as well as the front, & the floor too! Good for conservation, no need to waste valuable water flushing if you don’t hit the bowl!
“Fantastic! Ever thought of the circus? What can I do to help you join? No really, I have contacts, you can be on your way in, oh, 10-minutes! ‘Grub’? That’s just a Kiwi term of affection! Quick, run & pack! ”
It loves my loo paper..18 squares per visit, & my soap is so good it must be used not only to wash hands, but walls, mirrors, & apparently feet (nice little aroma-therapy ‘drools’ all over the place, & paw-prints back to its room!)
I’ve retrieved all my bits, & I’ll wear shoes when I go to the loo from now on. Sweet revenge; I’ve left that old ‘communal’ toothbrush in the bathroom..ha ha, my new one’s safe in my room, “nya nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!”
I’m sooooo mature; don’t you have the utmost respect for me right now?
Of course the flip side is “nya nya-nya-nya-nya-nya, made you move your stu-uff!”
Hahahahaha, if I don’t laugh I’m going to cry today; loveable, freaking annoying, bloody disgusting, a little too intense & passionate, curiously special people! “Deep calming breaths, Prue!”

I’ve got to get over my “day-to-day stuff is boring” moments. Every time I start to cut back on my burble, something I didn’t tell you becomes news-worthy, or a link to another story.
Last week I was on my way out to go shopping & found a Super-Man sized ‘Genesis Energy’ (just deposit the advertising payment to my Westpac a/c B-S) type truck blocking the driveway; they were working on the security floodlights here.
ANYWAY, the usual ‘freak of nature vs. oh, look at that smile’ moment occurred. Judging from the grins & the ‘down tools’ response, it must’ve been a ‘that smile’ moment. “All very flattering, thanks very much, but would you PLEEEASE come back & trip the ‘auto-off’ switch? I’ll give you an even bigger smile if you do!”
The light directly shining into my bedroom window is running 24/7! So much for celebrating the end of ‘White Nights’ & getting to sleep before ‘witching-hour’. Pffff, I’m just going to have to go to bed looking super saucy in my Cathay-Pacific eyepatches!

I’ve broken my ‘f’ key. I flicked it off last night so I could pencil on the corresponding Cyrillic alphabet letter, & can’t get the thing back on. Thank goodness it’s a relatively rare key in both alphabets..except for this paragraph! I’d say ‘ uck’, but as you can see it just doesn’t work!

“Oh no, Prue, we do!”

Friday, August 19, 2005 Showered, dressed, & putting my ‘face’ on, someone tried to get into my room. No knocking, or key rattling, just quiet door-handle manipulations. Wimp that I am, I did the ‘possum in headlights’ freeze. I spent the day quietly in my room, emerging only to collect the keys to the classroom & ducking straight there.

So, I tried “Regular dating vs Internet dating” as a talk topic. I’M A DICK! Of course it wasn’t going to work..”any opportunity for romance is a good thing!”
I’m not giving up! The merits & pitfalls of tar soap vs aromatherapy soap is on the agenda (yawn)!
Hey! Did you know that Russian men are so comfortable in their masculinity that they use moisturizers? Come on “Down Under” guys, you can do it! Honestly, your ‘willy’ won’t fall off, or at least so I’m told!

At my local dairy tonight, stocking up on juice, the not-so-regular boss-guy told me the regular boss-guy had been to NZ. I cast my surprised-eyes his way only to catch a discrete head-shake.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Teaser!”
I think they like it when I laugh out loud. And it all creates a conversation with other local punters once I leave. Anything to break the monotony of being trapped in a concrete cellar!

‘Dead Man’ starring Johnny Depp, & ‘The Human Stain’ starring Nicole Kidman & Anthony Hopkins entertained me tonight (with backing soundtrack of MASSIVE RUSSIAN WEDDING!)
Johnny Depp is just so cool & off-beat. My student, Stass, reminds me a bit of him.
I’m very afraid..I thought Anthony Hopkins looked a little bit attractive & sexy. Yes, I know he was supposed to … but he’s an OLD man, even for me! Sean Connery on the other hand … well he’ll never look too old!

Saturday, August 20, 2005 Into bed at 3am, awake again at 6:20am. Made a cup of coffee & fell asleep while it cooled next to my bed. Well done!
Awake again & it’s after 1pm! Oh, very well done!
I was settling in with a fresh cup of coffee & “Essential Grammar In Use” (Shut up! Stop mocking my Saturday-in-bed reading material!) when I received a text from Toni & Mark in Port Douglas..”When can we call today?”
Scorch marks from my bed to the bathroom & back, dressed, hair in a rudimentary plait, & down to the security desk to wait for the phone to ring.
Another heavenly hour!
The only thing that made this better than Ben’s call was that I didn’t have approx. 36-hours of tearfulness before it!
“Yikes! I’ve gotta get cleaned up, down there, & into it!” FANTASTIC!

Out to the shops: I want anti-bacterial wet-wipes for my hands, feet, & toilet seat; herbal lemon tea; a new candle for my room. Wet-wipes & tea purchased, but no candle, I was tip-toeing my way around the ‘lakes’ (it’s been raining) on my way back to Planeta when I was accosted by a couple of blokes.
I thought they were asking for a lighter but as I was patting my pockets & saying I didn’t have one, one of them made a grab for one of my shopping bags. I was quicker than him & swung away. I told him ‘nyet’ & started walking away. He grabbed my arm, I think he was saying he wanted to help me carry my bags, & made another snatch at the same bag, again missing it. His mate pulled him away, & … well, it was a bit of struggle between the three of us for about 5-minutes. I was finally able to make a hasty dash for Planeta with the sounds of their argument & scuffling following me.
They were an odd-looking couple of guys; the photo of Alexander Grin, Russian novelist, will give you an idea. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t in any actual danger, it’s just that my money, passport, & Surgut residency docs were in the bag that was being snatched at.

Safely home, I decided it was time for housework & laundry; nope, no water! Down the stairs, “Sveta, come with me!” I showed her the empty taps.
Bless her, she’s not the sharpest kitchen knife; (translation) “Should I call Tatiana Petrovna?”
“Da!” (Unless you want to spend the weekend not flushing your loo, or washing your hands, or having a shower, or cooking, or doing your dishes!) HELLO?! (Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello – yes, there is an echo in that head!) Good grief! Hooray for wet-wipes!
An hour later, I checked the water status in my bathroom & it splashed out at a great rate … a picture’s worth a thousand words! Serves me right for being b*tchy!

So, has anyone heard about the latest Chinese bird ‘flu? It’s moved up through China & into Siberia. Currently uncomfortably close to Surgut, poultry farmers are being forced to kill their flocks. I’ve been told not to eat ANY poultry products.
I’m not allowed to eat any fish products either (hard yards, snort!), unless I personally observe the cooking process, due to the liver-destroying-greeblies at this time of year.
That leaves salo.
Suddenly I’m a VEGETARIAN! Blyach, blyach, cough, choke, spit, spit, spit!
The ‘berry baskets’ are cute, the berries themselves are Yummy (as you can tell by the depleted level), but I’m an unrepentant carnivore!
GIVE ME BLEEDING, BARELY COOKED RED MEAT! Go on, pleeeease, just one little steak!
“Oh no, we don’t like it, will liver or jellied tongue do?”
Aaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! That’s cat food!

How am I going to cope in China? ‘Bird ‘flu Central’, with delicacies such as stir fried crispy grasshopper, fish stomach, sea-slug, & far too may other ‘unmentionables’, salo may not be so abhorrent!
What gastronomic tales I’ll have for you all when I return..don’t even think about asking what you’re eating at MY table until we’ve finished the liqueurs/vodka/rice wine, & hit the port bottle! By then you won’t really care or remember!

Sunday, August 21, 2005 What the hell was Peter Jackson thinking? I don’t remember the book being sad! I’ve just watched “Lord of the Rings III”, finally, & cried like a baby! Tosser!!!
I missed some of the earlier scenes; couldn’t bring myself to watch the spider bits. Just seeing the occasional ends of its legs through my fingers was enough to give me goose-pimples, shudders, & make me break an adrenaline-fuelled sweat.
Frig, I HATE those creatures! I’ve got one hanging from my ceiling, drowned to death with a can of Raid on Thursday. I can’t think how to dispose of it without touching it, but it gives me the heebies seeing it swinging there. Only two more weeks until Alex & Vadim are back; one of them will rescue me!
Earlier today, I watched “Godsend”. Quite early in the film there’s a bit that gave me two quick frights in a row. I let out a couple of hearty screams, & then realised if I didn’t pull myself together people would be coming to investigate. Time to close the doors, lock myself in, & get gagged with a couple of scarves & a pillow!
In case you hadn’t noticed, I become very ‘involved’ in movies when there’s nothing else to distract me (like pottering about a house, & cooking meals).

It’s cold today; cold, cold, cold! I’ve tried being staunch with just a jersey & woolly socks, but finally conceded defeat & turned on my heater. Yep, I’m sure summer’s over this time.
I brewed a pot of lemon tea (purchased yesterday), & (mouth pucker) it was awful! Ok, rosehip tea then; the 1st 2/3rds was ok, then it turned to swamp water. I want my licorice tea back!

Monday, August 22, 2005 Lying in bed, sipping coffee & thinking about getting up, there was a pounding on my door. Wrapped in my trusty towel, I peeped out & found Oleg (the boy that gave me a balloon months back) standing there. Oh good grief!
Once I was showered & dressed, he came back; all he wanted was to say ‘hello’ & chat. He had a bit of a play with my music, then suggested we go outside for a smoke. On the way out he presented me with a 25 rouble note, dated 1961! How cool! It was a month’s wages back then, but the note itself is worthless now, except to me!!! I told him that was the year I was born & I’ll treasure this note forever.
Outside he gave me a red card with Lenin’s picture in one corner. I’m not sure why, perhaps another souvenir? Or maybe he wanted another dose of exuberant appreciation. We talked for a while, he approvingly commented on my lizard, & said he wants to join my lessons for the rest of the year. I hope he does, but I doubt he will! When he was leaving, I thanked him again for the note & gave him a hug. He wrapped his arms about me, swung me up & around a couple of times, popped me three stairs up, & shot off grinning & waving! Dag of a kid!
Back in doors, & Alexei wanted to know if Oleg’s my boyfriend! He’d been watching us on the CCTV.
“NO! He’s a baby!!!”
A tall, skinny ‘stick insect’, 19-years-old at best, he’s MOST DEFINITELY not my ‘type’!

Leeza arrived in my room next; the ex-student who ditched me because I growled at her; a troubled young girl who’s a challenge to all teachers. She’s thawed out over the summer break & was texting me from the Black Sea last month.

Sveta (kitchen chicky, occasional security desk girly, who’s also SUPPOSED to do my cleaning but hasn’t been inclined since the end of March) popped in to ask for the vacuum cleaner. “Sorry, it’s in the classroom, come with me to get it.” She seemed very relieved when she told me not to worry about it.

Back to my room, & a pot of tulip tea (sweet smelling & tasty – no garden will be safe from me & my teapot in future); pouring through text books, Oleg arrived again, with his friend Eera (short for Irina). She’s a Linguistics student at the Surgut University, & speaks English REALLY WELL! They came with a bottle of wine & a box of chocolates. Sadly, I could only spare them 20-minutes because I had lessons, but I suggested they come back tomorrow or Thursday evening after 7pm. I tried to make them take their chockies & wine away, but as per usual, that wasn’t an option. They thanked me for MY HOSPITALITY! Good grief; I felt rude packing them off!

It’s time to tell you about ‘homes’ here.
There are very few stand-alone houses (exclusively the realm of the rich & famous). The vast majority of accommodation are god-awful apartment blocks like the one opposite my office. Approximately 100 flats per block, they generally consist of a kitchen, a cupboard (aka the bathroom/laundry), & a living room (not all have a bedroom). The living room couch is usually a bed-settee. When a Russian tells you they have three rooms, they mean exactly that!
Vadim & his wife had a flat with one bedroom, the bedroom was for their son, Vadim & his wife slept in the living room.
Olya has the same arrangement for her son.
Max & Natasha have one bedroom, but no bed-settee, so their son, Kerell, sleeps in the same room as them (that’s gotta be a passion-killer!)
Alexander doesn’t have a bedroom, he sleeps in his living room.
These are the norm for couples, families, & established adults.

Tonight Dmitri explained the standard for ‘young singles’ (he’s 27 & so not so young). He has it lucky. He’s in a flat with 2 other guys; kitchen, bathroom, & 2 bedrooms. A tiny bedroom (single bed) for one man, & a larger bedroom (2 single beds) for 2 men. Often there are 3 or 4 beds to a room. A dorm! Ugh!
Naively I said, “so of course you can’t bring a girl home for the night!”
“Oh no, Prue, we do!”
Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!
I told him he needs to move to Australia or NZ, where he’ll have a room to himself AND a big bed!
He wanted to know what law allowed so many people (particularly women) in NZ to marry & have children after the age of 30.
“No law, it’s just how it happens.”
“30?”
“Yep!”
“Really? 30?”
“Yeah!!”
“Are you sure? 30?”
“Yes!!!”
“Wow! 30!”
That made him stop & think about his earlier statement that his girlfriend’s “too old to learn to swim”. Though he won’t tell me how old she is, I get the impression she’s not much younger than me. I’d told him “you’re NEVER too old … ”, which triggered the whole ‘accommodation/marriage/childbearing’ discussion.

Have I mentioned recently that I LOVE being in this ‘foreign’ land?
Slowly, ever so slowly, they’re beginning to stop telling me fibs; are trusting me with the truth.
They’re very honest about the past, it’s the present they tend to fib about; “long live propaganda & the protection it affords your pride!”
It probably helps that most know how I live here now, & so they’re not so afraid of shocking me.
It’s only hard to gain trust here if you’re insincere and/or impatient.

Text messages from Vadim, not yet in Moscow but having a great time with his son; & Alex in Bali, “the weather is perfect & so is my English!”
“Of course, Alex! Was there any doubt? You have me as your teacher!”

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 Both yesterday & today, while I was getting dressed, someone had another quiet ‘go’ at my door. Yesterday the door handle was twitched again, today whoever it is tried pushing the key out of the lock. There’s nothing I can do about it unless I get to see my ‘caller’, but I’m a bit nervous about opening the door. As long as the door is locked & I have the key skewed in the lock I’ll be ok.

It’s only about +8C & I’m rugged up in a jersey again.

Mayster’s back, full of hugs & kisses for me, remonstrations for everyone else. The calm is over!

Three new students tonight; two female lawyers, & the 10-year-old daughter of one. Honey’s all, they offered to drive me home.

11:31 PM There’s no water again! I wonder what the problem is?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 We’ve had a steady daytime temperature of 6 – 8C so far this week. I’m being a sook & have avoided leaving the Institute; I hate the thought of going through the whole ‘coat & boots’ routine. Today I couldn’t put it off any longer, I ran out of meat & salads a couple of days ago & have been making do with 5-minute-just-add-water pasta.

With thoughts of moving on, & current job searching, I’ve started worrying about my passport. It’s not due to expire but I look so different now (finally I can see it for myself without needing a comparison photo.) Very little to do with age, it’s all about my weight & hair. Dear, oh dear, oh dear! Thank goodness that marriage ended! It was a nasty little mind game!
I’d hoped the revolting Russian ‘mug-shot’ for my residency would fill the gap, but I’m having serious doubts now. I need to look into the intricacies of getting a replacement without returning to NZ. I think the two major issues will be the declaration from a third-party that I am who I am (“I’ve known Prue for no less than 12-months…”), & I’ll probably have to return my current passport in order to get a replacement. I doubt there’s time between now & my leaving Russia to achieve it. I don’t fancy having immigration trouble in the next country; I’m telling myself I’m a bimbo for not doing anything about it as soon as I got here, given the problems when I first arrived in Russia, then I console myself with the fact that I’ve needed to carry my passport with me at all times. Will it be any looser in China? It’s still a communist country! Super-bimbo, I should’ve got a new passport before I left NZ! But then, I was still seeing the ‘ugly chunky chick’ in the mirror.

Can you imagine my immigration dilemma’s?
“Yeah I KNOW it doesn’t look like me, but the cheeks are kind of unaffected; if you look closely you’ll see the identical mole in the crease of my left cheek; the eyebrows then, look at the eyebrows! Hey! Check out the eyes..the right one always ‘smiles’ more than the left! Aw c’mon guys, DON’T deport me!”
Passports should include photos of nifty tricks like tongue rolling, sideways tongues (cuzzie Robyn Hoddy, did you teach me this trick? I’m pretty sure you did when I was about 12!) “can you twist both ways?”, skewed eyebrows, & the like, perhaps even micro-chip-vid’s of ear wiggling! None of them very attractive looks to be sure, but they’re bound to sift out some imposters!
Criminy! Dignity & sophistication cast aside in favour of illustrating my point!

Speaking of ‘chunky chick Prue’, I’ve been asked to explain, yet again, why I haven’t gone to the kitchen for lunch during the holidays. Popular belief is that I’m concerned about my figure & have opted for anorexia. Duh! “Ask my students, they’ll tell you I’m besotted with food. Read my e-mails home, they’re full of food-talk. The kitchen’s been closed! The only days they’ve worked are those when they’re racing around organizing a wedding, & the last thing they need is me begging to be fed; I’ve a perfectly serviceable fridge overloaded with tasty supplies. July I was struck with toxic tummy due to the inferior water supply & could only cope with dry crackers.” Let this be the end of it!

I haven’t sent last week’s message yet; truck loads of work-stuff going on in my head, & plenty of editing still required before posting both weeks!
Time to close off this chapter.

Sergei’s taken to “Ta-ta” in a VERY posh English accent, it’s gorgeous!
And so, that’s how I’m going to leave you this week.

Once the Finn was out of danger, the chicky shagged the Rusky

Dobrae Utro! With this message I'm finally up to date with my news.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 I’ve decided it’s Vasily that’s twitching my door handle. It seems he’s given up on the aggressive approach of trying to smash the door down, now thinking he can catch me in an ‘unlocked’ moment. FREAK!! It’ll NEVER happen! He’s such a sneaky, creepy little git!

What’s your opinion of the 12-month comparison? Should I continue my quest for long hair, or return to my former shaggy-shorn look?
So far I’ve had approval of the current look from the couple of people I’ve shown here, their only suggestion for improvement is “the longer, the better!”
I think the extra couple of kg’s are probably a good thing. Extra hair makes the 2-kg’s look more like 4-kg’s though.
Hair & weight aside, I think I look happier & more relaxed, much less startled.
Actually, I reckon the ‘last-year’ pic looks like something out of a futuristic, animated movie. You know the ones; the character’s a special f-x creation, almost real, but something’s not quite right!
The closer I look, the better I feel; I’m not too old for long-ish hair after all!
Last week’s ‘passport vs. now’ comparison (& disgust) sent me to this game.

Collecting classroom keys from Alexei; he liked my necklace, then leaned in to kiss it.
(Shove) “NYET!”
I’d managed to keep him at bay for almost a week.
Lappy on my hip, I opened up my very handy ‘Socrates Personal’ & typed out “You’re a nice man, I’m very flattered, thanks, but no thanks, I want to be in love!”
Zoiks! Enormous pupils, & a big gentle hug, he ‘loves’ me all the more now!

Friday, August 26, 2005 Nelly’s ‘back on site’; SMASH, BASH, BANG, BANG, BANG, “Prudence, I want to have lunch with you; I’m waiting in the ‘bar’. Hurry up!”

Scrumptious lunch eaten, dishes done, teaching files completed & printed, “Bye-bye Nelly; no I can’t come to your dacha this weekend, I have a lesson on Saturday as well as the usual Sunday ones!”
Back to my room to do my hair, & for a quick bite before work, & Natasha arrived; she’s brought her brother-in-law, & he wants private lessons..THANK GOODNESS, he can come at 4pm, starting tomorrow!

Today Alexei the guard followed me outside to protect me while I soaked meager sun-rays, studied for lessons, & practiced my Russian. The sun unexpectedly disappeared & rain pelted down; as I sprinted towards the door he caught me & gave me a big cuddle & kiss, “you’re cold, you’re beautiful, let me warm you!”; all filmed on ‘candid camera’ & viewed by Tatiana Petrovna. I expected her to tell him off, but no.
Another kiss snatched when I was collecting the keys for the classroom, this time in front of ‘Misha the Scary’s’ stand-in.
Every time Alexei’s grabbed me I’ve bounced back away from him & said “Don’t! Um, Nyet!”, but it hasn’t deterred him; he just laughs & watches for his next chance when I think I’m safe because people are around. It’s a game that’s encouraged & supported by all observing it, & are enjoying the comedy! Including the temporary guests, & the DJ for tonight’s wedding (knowing grins & approving nods all round)! Grrrrr, sigh!
Alexei also thinks this is a great game, & has taken every unguarded moment since to grab & kiss, no qualms about spectators!
“I’ll see you on Monday, I’ll miss you until then!”
Sometimes understanding the language is a pain; I was much better off when all I could produce was a bemused expression & blank smile as I kept walking. Blushing, fidgeting, & “oh no, what am I going to do about this” thoughts are NOT helpful!

Tea & (the-freaking-best-yummiest-I’ve-had-in-Russia, scoff, scoff, scoff) cake lesson with the Elementary’s; Vitaliy & Elena arrived back from holiday. I’d assumed they’d never come back (‘holiday’ is frequently a euphemism for ‘out of here’).
I was thrilled to see them; work aside, they’re a neat couple, & I’ve missed them.
They don’t want to re-join classes; they want to see me outside of Planeta. Vasily’s new timetable means I can only see them on Sunday afternoons.

Saturday, August 27, 2005 Awake barely in time to get ready for lessons; THIS IS MY DAY OFF!
A massive sneezing fit, teary eyes, & all my make-up’s gone. No time to repair the damage, I look like crap!
The lesson with Oksana was to be a one-of, but she now wants to make it a regular Sunday date.
Dmitri (v.II) told me “you are pretty to talk to” (meaning “Whew! I can understand her!”) He offered to give me driving lessons; tempting, but I’m just too scared of left-hand-drives, driving on the right-hand-side of the road, round-abouts, & Prue-initiated-pile-ups! God-forbid I become one of those cursed foreign “How the hell can they drive when they can’t read the road signs?” drivers!

Tonight’s wedding celebration was for one of Planeta’s students. The ripe old age of 18, his bride is a whopping 17, & they have a baby on the way; what a tragedy!
It wasn’t a late night because most of the guests were too young to legally drink (gone by 11pm), & no doubt the adults in the party were in mourning (all over by 12:30am)!

Sunday, August 28, 2005 I screwed up big-time today. I stayed in bed reading & feeling sorry for myself because I have a sick tummy again & toothache to boot.
2:05pm SH*T! Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
I have lessons with Elena & Vitaliy, starting 5-minutes ago! I set a new world record for showering, dressing, & whacking on makeup (my room was a tip by the end of it!) Wet hair, groveling apologies, & I felt so much worse when they gave me a bottle of wine they’d bought in Morocco for me. I’m a crappy looking bad, bad girl!

I watched a film set during WWII that Vadim gave me. A bit of a challenge: really only three characters; the Russian army guy, the Finnish bloke fighting for the German army, & a Russian ‘aboriginal’ woman, none of whom spoke the same language, & the voice-over was in Russian. The Russian army guy was wounded in a German aircraft attack, & rescued by the chicky. The Finnish bloke was an escaped POW, who sought help from the chicky. The Russian bloke took every opportunity to kill the Finn (in the end it was unclear whether his motivation was ‘war enemy’ or ‘the chick shagged you instead of me’. Finally the Russian bloke all-but mortally wounded the Finn, then had second thoughts, & took him back to the chicky for healing. Once the Finn was out of danger, the chicky shagged the Rusky.
Final scenes: the war’s over, Rusky & Finn leave each other on good terms, & the chicky is recounting the story of their conception to her 6-year-old twins of indeterminate ethnicity.
The sex scenes were hilarious; no voyeuristic footage, just really blood-curdling sound effects. She didn’t sound like she was having much fun to me, but the after-shots clearly showed she was a satisfied & contented woman.
Condensed synopsis: Russian men are patriotic & competitive, but compassionate; Finnish men have dubious loyalties, but are likeable; both are fertile, amazing lovers, they can ‘go’ for hours & make chicks scream.
As the ‘great untouched’, I can neither confirm nor deny, however the evidence from this film, & the occasional ‘tumble’ I’ve heard at Planeta does nothing to enthuse me; it all sounds very painful.

Back in my room, & there’s a MASSIVE change in atmospheric pressure all of a sudden; WAAAAAAAAY woozy sitting in my chair trying to eat a sammy! Dropped my food back on the plate, plonked my head to the table & swayed for a good 5-minutes; it’s been the quickest, longest, most unpleasant & intense occurrence so far. Who needs booze?
Ugh, this is the yuckiest part of my adventure. Moscow & the Surgut ‘bad market’ were scary but isolated incidents; the atmospheric issues in Surgut are going to get worse from now until I leave (it’s the time of year), & after tonight I’m dreading it!

Monday, August 29, 2005 And so, my working days are becoming insane! I have my original students wanting private lessons, new students wanting to join group lessons and asking for private lessons as well, original students bringing new students. I have two classes LOADED, & the third either light or empty. I’m hoping for empty. Vasily’s re-revised timetable for the new school year is still a toughie & leaves me no time to see my ‘buddies’, & no room for new ones. If my third class remains empty, I’ll use these days for my ‘boys’. I refuse to work Saturdays if I can avoid it, 6-days a week is more than enough; Sunday is booked solid now from 1pm – 10:30pm.

Tap-tap-tapping away on my keyboard tonight, there was a loud bang behind me. I spun to see flames shooting out of the wall around my power-point. “F*CKIN’ HELL!” I leaped out of my chair, donned shoes (hopefully they’ll protect me from electrical charges), hauled my bed away from the wall, & dithered for a while before braving the smoking plugs. Obviously, I survived, but I was skittish until 5am when the wall finally cooled down enough for me to brave sleep.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 Awake after a couple of disturbed hours kip, shabby, but in dire need of electrical assistance, I searched out Tatiana Petrovna. A great charade of explosions (pretty good sound effects too for a chick, if I do say so myself), flames, fearful squeals, & hardship!
Ramaan was called.
Sweety, the best he could do with my phrasebook was “drug overdose”. I’m not allowed to run my heater from the same point as my lappy; I can have the heater plugged into the same point as the fridge, but only on ¼ power. Brrrrr!

An awesome lesson tonight!

After-work outside fag, Mayster’s elder son (the black sheep of the family; no surprise that I like him) came to smoke & talk with me. It’s the first time he’s talked to me without Nelly or Vasily, & he didn’t realise I don’t speak Russian. Once I’d tapped his arm & got him to stop his chatter for a moment, I clarified, then asked him to speak slowly, & I was able to understand he’s going to Australia in January. He’s very excited & wanted to know what to expect. I failed to explain ‘humid’, he’s expecting rain! Doh!

Rather than filling my nights only writing to you, I’ve taken to studying the Russian language more seriously; both spoken & written (including handwriting..this has been kind-of forced on me, but it’s a good thing).
Their handwriting is a nightmare; an endless series of curvy w’s & m’s (sh & m), interspersed with loose c’s, p’s, & o’s (s, rr, & o), the occasional y & r (e & g), & then there are the indeterminable squiggles (the remaining 27 letters of their alphabet). Sadly, the w’s, m’s, c’s, p’s, & y’s are not all they seem (back to the full 33-letter alphabet – NASTY!) Still, I’m getting a better understanding of Russian grammar & their problems with English grammar, I’m learning more about how their minds work, & I’m getting a ton of laughs! This is all very helpful, I’m now able to relate English letters & sounds to Russian ones; great for ‘freshy’s’.
Thumbs Up for being a smoker, excellent for describing to Russians how to make ‘H’, ‘F’, & soft ‘th’ sounds.
“Take this unlit cigarette, suck, inhale, now blow out..Yes!, you have an ‘H’; now do the same but tuck half your bottom lip under your top teeth..hooraah, you’ve got ‘F’; do it again, but poke your tongue between your teeth..yeehaaa, that’s ‘th’! See, it’s easy, but I’m VERY proud of you!”

It took a burst of laughter, then a guarded 2-minute translation by Alexander (apparently “fox cunning” & “a young fish” constitute flattery here. I think “god no, hardly!” & “fish? pfew, I hope not” respectively, but of course I’m being too literal), & a further 4-hours for me with Abby Lingvo, Socrates Personal, & my phrasebook to decipher a 13-word message from Alexei the guard last night.
Evidently I’m “fascinating & enchanting, & beloved”, & I must “take a chance for love”. No wonder Alexander was guarded. I’m mortified!
I responded with a ‘thank you, I’m flattered, if I accept this offer everyone’ll know & talk, which is not to my liking, & I’d rather wait for someone who loves me’ message.
Today I have a 42-word message (oh dear Lord!). I’ve spent 6-hours on it (not keen to enlist help after the last one, for everyone’s peace of mind), with the additional help of the gi-normous Oxford Russian/English dictionary, broken 71% of it (I hope), assume I get the gist of what’s being said, but the margin for error is still HUGE! Whew, talk about brain-burn! I’m pretty sure this message is telling me Alexei’s not offering marriage, but thinks it’s a great idea that we have ‘hot sex’ until I leave.
I typed another ‘thanks but no thanks, what you’re suggesting isn’t appealing to me’ message.

Jenny-from-Manchester arrives tomorrow. Unless I hear from her tomorrow, I’ll call in on Thursday.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 I stepped out of the shower & heard a woeful voice from the other side of the door; “Are you ready now?”
Grrrrr! Nelly!
I opened the door; wet hair, no make-up, green-toweled, ‘sophistication-personified’.
“Well I’m clean, is that enough? Do you think I can catch a Russian man looking like this?”
“Hahahahaha, oh of course! Forget your clo-thizz, come downstairs with me now! There will be many (naughty Russian cackle)! I miss you, & just wanted to see your face. When can you visit me?”
Bloody woman! She drives me crazy, irritates the b’jingo’s out of me sometimes, but she also cheers me no-end when I see her! Bless her cotton bloomers!

Yes, well as I said last night, the margin for error is huge when trying to make sense of the handwriting here. The horrified look on Alexei's face when he read my response made me snatch my lappy back & run.
I swore Vasily to secrecy (again, where’re Vadim & Alex when I need them?), told him what I thought was being said, & asked him to confirm. I don’t think I could have misunderstood more; oops! Vasily was bursting at the seams by the time he’d finished. “Prue, this is great news! You’ll be able to stay in Russia easily now, this man seriously wants to marry you!”
Now I’m horrified, & have sworn Vasily to secrecy again, & again, & again!
Alexei was telling me he "understands all my rejections, guesses I’ve been hurt & am afraid, but he’ll protect & love me forever! I must stay in Russia, & live with him. I light up his days & warm his heart. Life without loving me will be terrible".
How on earth did I manage to dig this hole? And how do I get back out of it? All I’ve done is smile, say hello & goodbye, & stammer my way through atrocious basic Russian.
Revised response, “Sorry, I misunderstood you, this is not possible, I must leave in December!”

Hugs & kisses, plenty of laughs, & lots of “you’re well done!” from the staff here, when I trotted out some of my newly learned Russian speech today.
“Prue, do you want to live in Russia?” My final coup, “Mozhet buit! (Maybe!)”
They’re all the more thrilled because I’ve done it on my own without anybody to help. I can string the odd sentences together now, though they don’t flow off my tongue very prettily. I can’t wait to show off to Alex, Olya, Lyuba, & Vadim!

I’m off to practice & learn some more.
Dosvedanye, shyas leva, do na sleduyushchey nedele (Goodbye, good luck, until next week)!