Way, way, way back in December 2005. I was celebrating having a bathroom & toilet inside my own apartment..no walking through a speech therapist’s waiting room with multitudes of kiddies & fathers. How pathetic? How exciting! Ahhhh, such is life away from ‘home’..hahahahaha!
A serious list of rules accompanied my Guadalajara tenancy agreement. No parties! No food to be stored outside of the fridge! No..absolutely NO toilet paper to be flushed!!!!! All paper is to be discarded in the rubbish bin next to the loo!
It’s that 3rd rule that has me worried.
“OK! I’ll behave..but those bins are DISGUSTING!”
In spite of knowing I shouldn’t in Mexico, I continued to flush paper. In the Guadalajara place, it was more serious. My landlord had obviously watched ‘The Lord of the Rings’ trilogy and fallen in love with Hobbits & Hobbit-land. My home was..you guessed it..underground! Well, sort of..a thoughtful few scoops of earth had been excavated to accommodate 4 windows on one side of the Hobbit-Hole. The photo shows me standing outside my windows (OH MY GOD! BAD hair!)..just above my head is the roof to the Hobbit-hole; inside the hobbit-hole, my head barely reached where my knees are.
The septic tank (no poo-ponds here) was located directly under my ‘lair’ and NOT to be messed with! I flushed paper three times..once before I knew the rules, once from force of habit…”Oh mierda!” (m-yairda..shit!) “Pinche Hijole!” (peencheh eeholeh..Bloody hell!)..forehead slapping to get the message home. After that, I had to pluck paper back out of the loo a few times..revolting! A fortune spent on extensive and obsessive hand soaping afterwards. Once, I utterly refused because it landed smack into the water..not touching THAT soggy mess! Having been a determined, proud, and unrepentant ‘scruncher’ (of loo paper) all my life, I now find myself a ‘folder’..my version of modest cat scratching. Shuddery but resolute, bin liners are disposed of every morning. There goes another shudder just writing about it!
Why am I so squeamish about this when I successfully dealt with Ben’s nappies? Because that was 20+ years ago, & I loved my baby!
No-one else here appears to feel the same squeamishness about the loo bins..mine seems to be the only one in Mexico with a lid; everyone else is happy to have them lidless, & allow theirs to fill over a period of time to overflowing. Aside from the stench, I’m sure there are serious hygiene and health issues!
It’s particularly gross when forced to use a public loo. The bins are full & overflowing; you wade your way through everyone else’s shitty toilet paper to get to the loo. Zoiks! I REALLY object to having to pay 2 pesos to use some of the loo’s..the money’s supposed to ensure you’re peeing in a clean & well maintained baňo (barn-yo)! I NEED A HANDBAG-SIZED BOTTLE OF DETTOL! Imagine my consternation when I come across a pay-for-the-privilege public loo that’s well maintained, only to spot all the used loo paper sitting in a bin outside on the road..waiting to dry out & be burned off. As it dries, of course it becomes more susceptible to breezes..m-mmmm, septic paper fluttering about your head..”GARK! Let me back into the car..NOW!”
Continuing on the subject of toilets (is nothing taboo? Nope, not when you’re on Pru’s e-mail list!), there’s no such thing as a full seat. This one’s ok cos it’s solid ; if you catch one that’s flimsy plastic (there are way too many) and you don’t sit on it completely straight, the miserable thing BITES you! I’ve had a semi-permanent blood blister on the back of my right leg since arriving in December..and damn it hurts..in incrementally increasing proportions! It’s not cool when a seat’s winning number comes up and bursts the blister! Thank goodness for the occasional hard plastic seat and some respite. No smart-arse comments about my peeing technique..THANK YOU! Suffice to say, I’m generally BURSTING and hurling myself at the loo without caution (minutes spent in the loo are such a waste of time..I might miss out on something)! Occasionally, I’m just ‘aiming’ for the quiet approach. All too often, the rotten things are so precariously attached to the bowl, no matter how straight & carefully you seat yourself, they move & bite. I wonder if I might make my fortune introducing full seats to Mexico?
The Guadalajara loo was a goody..not too much water sitting in the bowl. Much to my horror, bowls with a lot of water are noisy! It’s an uncomfortable decision to make with those ones..make a hell of a racket, or lift the seat and get a wet butt! EEEEEEEYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUKKKKK!
This is what a mid-range loosely attached, soft-seated, high-tide loo looks like ..”YEE-OWWWWWW...F#*K that HURT!” Too much noise “Oh you’ve GOT to be JOKING!”..Ok, control,,control..lift the seat, ‘pleease don’t let me get a wet butt!’..oh that’s so good..silence & a dryness!” No judging this particular style of loo..it looks sturdy, but the seat shifts without warning; the tide-mark doesn’t look too high..it’s a trick! A pacifyingly dry butt though. Note the bin? Yeah, well I emptied the pig last night before I went to bed; the piece of paper at the very bottom of the bin is mine (7am visit)..the rest?..these people eat too much chilli, & don’t exercise caution when it comes to tap water!
Given all this lack of hygiene..WHAT’S WITH THE FRILLY GERM CATCHERS? Botulism to the wound? Being an avid hater of those mats that wrap around the base of the loo to keep feet warm & catch boys ‘drips’, these frilly things offend me both aesthetically & hygienically! Sorry if I’m offending anyone..it’s just my perspective..even before I left my own home, & NZ!
Sometimes you strike a loo that has a cistern that doesn’t fill automatically. If you’re lucky, there’s a shower & bucket in the same room..turn on the shower, hang the bucket over the shower rose..by the time you’ve finished peeing the bucket’s full..turn off the shower, lift the toilet seat, toss the contents of the bucket into the loo..abracadabra..flushed!
No bucket? No shower? No full cistern?..clearly, I’ve learned to check for these tell-tale signs before I drop my trou! Bad signs? Thanks to Dad for not having the right sperm..I’m a woman, which means a cast-iron bladder, & hours of restraint!
My favourite public loos are the ones that you flush with a foot-pedal. It took me about 5-minutes to locate the ‘flush mechanism’ the 1st time, but once I did, I was a convert! Next time I have my own home..I’m going to have a foot-pedal flusher!
Dash..launch..land ... squeek..reposition ... ahhhhhh ... fold, wipe, fold, bury ... PSsshhhhhhhhhhhhh..hospital-grade soap for hands for 5-minutes
Ablution-Block-Pru XXXX
P.S. Stop being squeamish about too much information..it’s life!
P.P.S Shower stories come next..no need for staunch bellies.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment